For some reason, you have been on my mind and on my heart this week especially. It is not your birthday, nor is it because anything significant has happened this week. I have been listening to John Legend's first album, maybe that's why. The last time I saw you, we listened to the whole album because you were convinced that every song was John Legend's way of subliminally telling people to get high. And as we listened, even though I strongly disagreed, I could see your point. And we laughed SO hard. That is my last memory of seeing you - laughing with you. I can still hear that laugh that I love.
Then we didn't talk for so long because I thought you took my friendhsip for granted. And just as we started to talk again, you disappeared. You always disappeared, but never for so long. You always found a way to call me, or to reach out. This time, you didn't. You had promised that you wouldn't do it again, but I thought to myself, "here we go again". Except, one month turned into two, two into three, three into four and then I became really worried. You had never disappeared for this long. Instinctively, I knew something was wrong.
I called your brother, but he wouldn't tell me much. I tried to find out what had happened in other ways, and didn't have too much luck. In my heart I knew what had happened but didn't want to think about it. Then yesterday, I found the report on the internet and everything was confirmed. So just over a year has passed since we last spoke, and I am now letting myself think and feel. I am upset with you because you didn't trust my friendship enough to tell me. But I am upset with myself too. I never asked you any questions because I was scared about what I would hear if you answered me. But I should have asked, even if you wouldn't have told me. I should have at least asked. I was not a good friend to you in that way and I am sorry. I don't know where you are exactly, and I don't know what is happening to you, and I don't know how to reach you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I wonder if you still laugh in the way that you do. Or if your smile ever reaches your eyes anymore. I wonder if you're getting the best help possible. I wonder if you are safe. I wonder if you will lose the last shreds of yourself in there. I couldn't stand it if that happens. I wonder so many things that I am afraid to say out loud.
If I could have 5 minutes with you, first I would give you a nice slap and ask you what you were thinking. Then I would ask you to forgive me. I would tell you that I am your friend. No matter what, I am still the friend that grew up with you, that had lessons with you, that you shared your rare moments of emotion with. I miss you. I am always here for you. I believe in you. You have a purpose and you will fulfill it. I have no doubt. I am here for you as I have always been. Stay hopeful. Laugh often even when there is nothing to laugh about. Keep your head up. I love you. All of this and more would come tumbling out for you to hold in your heart and always remember. I am your friend in the best sense of the word. ALWAYS.