Monday, November 06, 2006

THANKFUL FOR WHO GOD HAS MADE ME TO BE

Before I get into the flesh of what I really wanna say, let me start by asking;

Am I the only one who is sick and tired of people posting anonymously on blogs?!!!! I mean, if you have something to say and you're really convicted about it, say it proudly and don't hide behind anonymity. I have seen some really nasty messages left on other's blogs and some not so nasty but with the intent to cause negative energy and it bothers me. While we may not all agree with each other, for the most part, we all try to be respectful of others and be as PC as possible when discussing different things. In addition, we sign our names to our opinions and thoughts PROUDLY. Now, with that being said, I understand that everyone has a right to do what they want to do and say what they want to say but in my humble opinion, if you aren't willing to stand up and stand by what you feel, think, believe, have an opinion about, then whatever you have to say lacks integrity and you just shouldn't say it! Y'all, I almost turned BellaNaija's blog into a stomping ground today because of an anonymous person's comment,(Bella abeg no vex) so instead of that I came here to vent so bear with me o! LOL. Phew.....I feel better now.

So on to the topic of the day.....THANKFUL FOR WHO GOD HAS MADE ME TO BE. I often struggle with the fact that I'm not where I thought I'd be at my age. I had this fantasy of being more, doing more, living more, just.....MORE. Well, a couple of weekends ago on one of my work trips, I got the opportunity to return to one of the many places I have lived. I didn't want to, I didn't mean to, I didn't plan to...it was more like I was propelled there by a force greater than me. As I drove into town, I started to have an anxiety attack. Unpleasant memories of my time there came flooding back. Even though it was still recognizable, I noticed the town had changed in many ways since I left it and I wondered if the people I left behind had changed as well.

My first stop was the fast food restaurant where I used to work. I was surprised to see a person I used to work with about 4 years ago, whom I thought would no doubt be MORE, because she said she wanted more and was a hard worker, still there! Not only was she still there, she hadn't finished community college, is married and pregnant. I caught up with her and learned more about the fate of others whom I had worked with. Some had moved on to greener pastures, most had fallen down hard, and one in particular had fallen down and gotten up and was moving in the right path. His name is Justin and I set out to find him.

In the high-income suburban, primarily caucasian town we lived in at the time, there was very little to do and many of the kids were getting hooked on drugs, meth being the number one score. It was cheap, and very available. Justin worked with us at the restaurant by day and by night ran a meth lab (can't remember if he had accomplices or not). I remember him being very smart, always asking me questions about school and talking about his goals and ambitions. One day we were working together and the next thing I knew, he was off to jail. We kept in touch via mail. I wrote him in jail and so did my sister. I stopped after a while even though I meant to continue. So when Michelle told me he was out and working at a restaurant up the road, I had to see him. I drove the 5 minutes up the road, heart pounding. I walked in and asked if he was working. He was. He came out to greet me, a smile on his unchanged face. The only telltale sign of his hardship was his now large physique, probably from spending every spare minute pumping iron. In the 6 months he had been out, he was working and back in school pursuing a business degree, determined to do it right this time. He thanked me for writing him and he was even more grateful that my sister kept writing him after I stopped. It got him through some tough times and made him more determined to get it together. I left there wishing him well, with the promise to pass on his greetings and thanks to my sister.

I visited a friend next and spent two hours catching up with her, sharing new news, listening to her words of wisdom and remembering how much I missed her. Finally, I asked myself if I wanted to take the final step. The one that had been the primary cause of my anxiety attack. Did I want to visit the people whose actions had forever changed the course of my life? Did I want to visit the people in whose care we were entrusted that ended in disaster? Did I want to see people who I had barely spoken to or seen since I left that small town for more? What would it be like? Would I be able to face them without negative feelings in my heart and mind? Had I truly forgiven them? Had they changed? Well, I went. I saw. I conquered. While I won't go into too much detail, I came away from that intense few hours of going back with the realization that I had done more, and I am doing more. Not only am I doing more, I am doing better, and will continue to do better. Yes, the town had changed on the outside but on the inside, in many ways, it was the same. I, on the other hand, had changed inside and out. And while I'm not where I pictured myself in my fantasy life, my real life is not so bad at all. Everything I went through, happened because God has a plan for my life and He is placing people, places, experiences in my life that are getting me where He knows I need to be. Since I left that small town, nothing but good has happened in my life. As time has passed, it has become more and more important for me to make sure that I live better. Be a better human being, be a better person, be a better woman, be a better friend, be a better colleague, be a better sister, be a better daughter. I am thankful to God because He has made me better and because I strive for better, I am more. So, the next time I'm feeling less....I will remember. I AM MORE.

"The tasks are done and the tears are shed. Yesterday's errors let yesterday cover; Yesterday's wounds, which smarted and bled, Are healed with the healing that night has shed." - Sarah Chauncey Woolsey

29 comments:

Icy said...

WOW! that was deep Ms. May. Wut can I say. God has put you exactly where you need to be. Thank you for being the beautiful person that you are. I'm blessed to be your friend. I wish you more strength. Omo God hasn't even started with you .. shuuu... wait naw you go see

As per P&R muah thanks thanks thanks mua mua mua! oh as per anonymous ...I'm with you... punkes go anonymous

Belle said...

that was really deep. i'm glad Justin is back on track, and that you are have moved on and up. Awesome!

Soul said...

First thing Ms May.
I need you to know that I am extremely proud of you. Extremely proud.
I could say much more, but I won't because well.. it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you know that there are people out there who read what you type and think damn... she said it already, I don't need to say much more.

You are everything (absolutely everything) you need to be. just keep growing and doing you, there are people around who admire you for all that as well as your flaws which we all have.

Secondly, welcome to blogworld.. the place where hypocrisy, stupidity and ignorance, sometimes collide and become with anonymous posters.

In time you will come across more of these people and you will notice the pattern of how they type, by then you won't need them to reveal themselves cos you'll recognise them, either that or a good old IP trace will do the job.

You'll also find that most of these people are prudish, ignorant miscreants who still act like toddlers..
All they can do is condemn other people and that which is foreign to them.
Don't worry, like dirt on your shoulder, brush those bitches off

:)

Miguel said...

Ms. May...what can i say that hasn't already been said? (ICY & SOUL) have dealt well with my thoughts. The more we discover who we are, the greater our chance to succeed. You might not be where you think you should be at the moment but I dare say you are right where God wants you to be...Keep seeking and you will find what it is your heart desires.

Lovely post!

LondonBuki said...

Well written post... and very deep.

You ARE MORE... sometimes, it takes looking at where others are to see that...

I have seen some Anon comments like you've mentioned but the thing is - a person whose name isn't Bob (eg) could put their name as Bob and they are still Anon... there is nothing that we can do... I guess all we can do is ignore...

Biodun said...

I love this post!!! Your story about the people whose hands u were left in, which didnt turn out so rosy so hits home, I kinda went thru the same, the thing is I have been meaning to call even if I dont visit, I probably will do that now, after reading this, looking back atimes is wot we need to realize wot n who we have become, have a blessed week girl!

Ms. May said...

@ Icy: Let's just say I had a tough day yesterday and needed to let some stuff out...LOL. Thank you for your kind words...SIS! And you're welcome.

@ Belle: Thank you. When I tell you that I know he's going to make it.....I KNOW he's going to make it. He's a really determined person who acknowledged his mistakes and paid for them and is so passionate about becoming somebody that can a contributing member of society, in a good way.

@ Soul: Sister Soul.....Thank you so much. It is an honor coming from you. I definitely know I need to brush folks off, but yesterday was an intense day and I let them get the best of me. Hopefully, it won't happen again. :)

@ Miguel: As always, words of wisdom. I can't thank you enough for being the inspiration and help that you are. I will definitely keep seeking.

@ LondonBuki: Girl, you are so right. And as for the anon, I understand that but I just had to vent. Sometimes, even though it may be futile, one just has to let it all out. LOL.

@ Biodun: I definitely know that my story is one that many of us experience. Good luck with your situation. It took me years to get to this place. A blessed week to you too!

Ms. May said...

@ Soul: I can't seem to access your page. Can you send me a direct link? Thank you!!!!

zaiprincesa said...

uuuh..Ms.May, ur post was moving. It made me think and reflect on my life as well. Most of ur hav dreams or goals, or "where we ought to be" moments. But ive come to realize that, as long as i have been praying to my God, and working my butt off, and doing my part, then God will do the rest. Does that make sense? Like, u r fulfilling ur end of the bargain, so, leave the rest to God. He has so much in store for us, so, just keep at it chica!
And as per the anonymous comments, abeg, ignore them jare!PUNKS!

NaijaBloke said...

Ms May ..this is one post that really got me thinking.All I have to say is we just need to keep being good to others cos what goes around comes around.I can relate with on the issue abt the kind of people u were talking abt,but I always look at it like maybe I wont be where I am today if they did not do what they did to make me decide to make myself better for them to see.

I agree with Buki on the issue abt the anonymous thingy jere.. I dont bother myself with them,so the best thing is I just ignore their comments ...

Anyway u have a lovely week and keep having fun ... and yes o i need the hook up .."wink wink" ..LOL

Soul said...

blogger must be playing up...

http://nubiansoul.blogspot.com

there you are :)

Bella Naija said...

Thanks for this post Miss May
About the anonymous thing, it is what it is...I have just developed a thick skin to negative energy.

About your trip, that was really deep. It has been hard but in life I have learned to attack those tough issues and people head on. It just helps me get over it...its been tough but what isnt.

You should be proud of all your achievements even if they havent reached your fantasy level yet. Rest assured u r getting there.

Smoothvibes said...

Beautifully written!

"And while I'm not where I pictured myself in my fantasy life, my real life is not so bad at all. Everything I went through, happened because God has a plan for my life and He is placing people, places, experiences in my life that are getting me where He knows I need to be'

..... GOd sure does have a plan for everyone of us. In as much as we appreciate the lil he's done... He's not thru with u yet!

TaureanMinx said...

Its great to look back once in a while to see how far you have come! Good job girl!

Ms.Minx said...

Well, looks like everyone already said it all...But you know, and I know, that without all that "stuff", you (and me too, lol) wouldn't have grown to be so damn fabulous, lol.

But on a serious tip, I DO have this to add: Does Justin still have that big booty? Cuz you KNOW his booty was just too big for a white boy, lol...Oh, sorry. I'll stop with the impure thoughts now...Love ya!

NaijaBloke said...

Digging this ya new pic o !!!

Naijadude said...

My take will be on the "anonymous" subject first, my comments have to be approved before posting. Although people are entitled to their opnion but sometimes you get to respect the right of who you are dropping your coin on their subject. With that I know I dont have to approve of every comment that comes in!

Like my pastor said, "Even though things doesnt seem to go the way we planned , we dont have to throw in the towel"

I know you are doing great in the position you are now. Let us be content and give thanks to God about that.

Wale said...

everything i wanted to say has been said already. but i'll say this.

can we get another post please. this [maybe] once a week thing is not feeding my addiction sis.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

It is human to always feel that we have underachieved sometimes and should be more and sometimes the yard stick we use to measure our sucess is false but one thing we must remember We might not be where God wants us to be Yet, but we are not where we were yesterday. We are continually growing and its a growing process.

Girl I have been reding your blog and you dare to tell me that you ver doubted your sucess when there are people who have nothing but envy if only they could reach to where you are.

You are more and you still have more ahead.

I am glad you were able to take a step back and look around you - the people you started with and where you are today - and YOU are able to see that it is the goodness of the Lord and be thankful. Take care hun.

Thoughts said...

You talk such sense and I'm glad I stumbled across your blog.And even though I have always been thankful for what I have, sometimes I do the human thing and want more.Thank you Ms. May for this message.Perhaps I didn't just stuble across your blog but was meant to...Good piece!

Olawunmi said...

this was beyond beautiful. it spke to me too, so far as i am from where i would like to be - where i thought i'd be when i'm knocking so closely on 30's door - yet so far from where i could have been if the good Lord had not brought me this far.

sometimes we truly need to go back, so that we can see how far we have travelled up the road to where we would like to be.

i like the way the lesson came together for you, keep your head up, and your heart thankful.

peace

Bijouxoxo said...

Lovely post, Ms. May. Oh! The dreams i had when i was much younger. Needless to say, none of the plans i had for myself have fallen into place at the time i set. When i look at where i am now, i have every cause to thank God for the places i've been, where i am now, and where he's taking me to.

zaiprincesa said...

sister, update ya blog now...ahn ahn!...is it cus u r chillin in MIA wif ICY..Yes, u have been busted..lol.so u had better be coming back with gist and pics...

Ms. May said...

@ zaiprincesa: You make a whole lotta sense. And as per your second comment, I was working. Honest, I was. I just managed to shock it with a little fun...LOL. No real gist...or at least not anything that I'm willing to share just yet...LOL.

@ naijabloke: LOL...on the hookup. And I agree wholeheartedly, I wouldn't be where I am without those experiences because they made me stronger, as cliche as it sounds. It took looking back to see that where I am isn't bad at all.

@ bella naija: Thanks love. And you are definitely an inspiration for a young wman trying to do her thing.

@ smoothvibes: Thanks ma! I visited your page.....you live an interesting life. I may be at the wedding in NC. If I am, I'll look out for you.

@ tminx: Thanks o jare. Hope the new job is everything you want it to be. Your post kinda inspired this one.

@ msminx: Only you! No, I didn't get a look at Justin's butt. BTW, Naijabloke wants the hook up o! LOL. Not sure if he can handle your crazy ass. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Love ya right back.

@ naijabloke: Ese gan ni o.

@ naijadude: I haven't had a problem with anonymous comments on my blog cos they're not allowed but I had seen it on others pages, and coupled with an emotional day I let it get to me. It's all good though. And you're so right which is why I am giving thanks to God, hence the post.

@ wale: You're good for my ego for two reasons; you always ask for more and you called me "sis". Am I reading too much into that? There go the overanalytical wheels turning in my head trying to figure out what that means....LOL. I'll take it even if it doesn't mean anything...LOL.

@ LOASCM: Omo, you are also very good for my ego...LOL. Wise words o. Mo ti gbo. I am definitely ALWAYS thankful even though I may not always articulate that. Amen to more ahead and so shall it be for you also.

@ thoughts: I'm glad you came through. Keeping a blog is fun and therapy for me and it's a plus to know that others get something from what I write. So thank you again.

@ olawunmi: Thank you for calling my post beautiful....high praise and I appreciate it. It's so easy sometimes in the quest to live life, to forget that just being alive is a blessing in itself. I am working on staying thankful for being alive and appreciating the icing on the cake that is the rest.

@ bijouxoxo: Thanks mama. I'm with you there.

Demola said...

And I thought I was deep.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

thank God i havent had really terrible anonymous posters although initially i had this straightlaced 'preachy' commenter.. but he/she/it got 2 c my point of view.

that was just darling of you to keep writing this 'justin'... he would've appreciated it so much... i just love the way you put this "So, the next time I'm feeling less....I will remember. I AM MORE."... thats the way to life!.. have a great week sunshine

broccolimakesmepuke said...

I have had some really nasty anonymous posters and though I can understand that most people might not be comfortable with my topics I don't understand the flat out rudeness in comments and emails.

I love the quote, I was feeling really down today about exactly what you're talking about. Wondering if this is where I want to be, still a long way to go before I sort everything in my head out but you've inspired me to look at how far I've come and give thanks.

NaijaBloke said...

Shey just cos we talk say make u hook pesin up now ..u no go update ya blog and moreover na so dem dey hook pesin up ..LOL

Hope u r aiight and u have a nice day

Noni Moss said...

Hey - finally got round to your post and I love it a lot. Obviously, we share the same sentiments about anonymous bloggers so I wont go into that but I totally feel you on not being where you expected or wanted to be. I'm glad you were able to deal with going back and seeing all the things you left behind. It must have taken a lot. The main thing is you realise life is good and you're happy with where you are right now. Keep striving.