Before I get into the flesh of what I really wanna say, let me start by asking;
Am I the only one who is sick and tired of people posting anonymously on blogs?!!!! I mean, if you have something to say and you're really convicted about it, say it proudly and don't hide behind anonymity. I have seen some really nasty messages left on other's blogs and some not so nasty but with the intent to cause negative energy and it bothers me. While we may not all agree with each other, for the most part, we all try to be respectful of others and be as PC as possible when discussing different things. In addition, we sign our names to our opinions and thoughts PROUDLY. Now, with that being said, I understand that everyone has a right to do what they want to do and say what they want to say but in my humble opinion, if you aren't willing to stand up and stand by what you feel, think, believe, have an opinion about, then whatever you have to say lacks integrity and you just shouldn't say it! Y'all, I almost turned BellaNaija's blog into a stomping ground today because of an anonymous person's comment,(Bella abeg no vex) so instead of that I came here to vent so bear with me o! LOL. Phew.....I feel better now.
So on to the topic of the day.....THANKFUL FOR WHO GOD HAS MADE ME TO BE. I often struggle with the fact that I'm not where I thought I'd be at my age. I had this fantasy of being more, doing more, living more, just.....MORE. Well, a couple of weekends ago on one of my work trips, I got the opportunity to return to one of the many places I have lived. I didn't want to, I didn't mean to, I didn't plan to...it was more like I was propelled there by a force greater than me. As I drove into town, I started to have an anxiety attack. Unpleasant memories of my time there came flooding back. Even though it was still recognizable, I noticed the town had changed in many ways since I left it and I wondered if the people I left behind had changed as well.
My first stop was the fast food restaurant where I used to work. I was surprised to see a person I used to work with about 4 years ago, whom I thought would no doubt be MORE, because she said she wanted more and was a hard worker, still there! Not only was she still there, she hadn't finished community college, is married and pregnant. I caught up with her and learned more about the fate of others whom I had worked with. Some had moved on to greener pastures, most had fallen down hard, and one in particular had fallen down and gotten up and was moving in the right path. His name is Justin and I set out to find him.
In the high-income suburban, primarily caucasian town we lived in at the time, there was very little to do and many of the kids were getting hooked on drugs, meth being the number one score. It was cheap, and very available. Justin worked with us at the restaurant by day and by night ran a meth lab (can't remember if he had accomplices or not). I remember him being very smart, always asking me questions about school and talking about his goals and ambitions. One day we were working together and the next thing I knew, he was off to jail. We kept in touch via mail. I wrote him in jail and so did my sister. I stopped after a while even though I meant to continue. So when Michelle told me he was out and working at a restaurant up the road, I had to see him. I drove the 5 minutes up the road, heart pounding. I walked in and asked if he was working. He was. He came out to greet me, a smile on his unchanged face. The only telltale sign of his hardship was his now large physique, probably from spending every spare minute pumping iron. In the 6 months he had been out, he was working and back in school pursuing a business degree, determined to do it right this time. He thanked me for writing him and he was even more grateful that my sister kept writing him after I stopped. It got him through some tough times and made him more determined to get it together. I left there wishing him well, with the promise to pass on his greetings and thanks to my sister.
I visited a friend next and spent two hours catching up with her, sharing new news, listening to her words of wisdom and remembering how much I missed her. Finally, I asked myself if I wanted to take the final step. The one that had been the primary cause of my anxiety attack. Did I want to visit the people whose actions had forever changed the course of my life? Did I want to visit the people in whose care we were entrusted that ended in disaster? Did I want to see people who I had barely spoken to or seen since I left that small town for more? What would it be like? Would I be able to face them without negative feelings in my heart and mind? Had I truly forgiven them? Had they changed? Well, I went. I saw. I conquered. While I won't go into too much detail, I came away from that intense few hours of going back with the realization that I had done more, and I am doing more. Not only am I doing more, I am doing better, and will continue to do better. Yes, the town had changed on the outside but on the inside, in many ways, it was the same. I, on the other hand, had changed inside and out. And while I'm not where I pictured myself in my fantasy life, my real life is not so bad at all. Everything I went through, happened because God has a plan for my life and He is placing people, places, experiences in my life that are getting me where He knows I need to be. Since I left that small town, nothing but good has happened in my life. As time has passed, it has become more and more important for me to make sure that I live better. Be a better human being, be a better person, be a better woman, be a better friend, be a better colleague, be a better sister, be a better daughter. I am thankful to God because He has made me better and because I strive for better, I am more. So, the next time I'm feeling less....I will remember. I AM MORE.
"The tasks are done and the tears are shed. Yesterday's errors let yesterday cover; Yesterday's wounds, which smarted and bled, Are healed with the healing that night has shed." - Sarah Chauncey Woolsey